You Know What Really Chaps My Ass? (Volume 1)

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When sports fans use the first person plural to talk about their favorite teams. If you’re a sports fan reading a blog, you’re clearly familiar with this voice even if you don’t know what it’s called.

Yes, folks, I'm talking about...


WE.

Few things piss me off more than someone saying, “Oh, yeah, we're going to fucking kill the Cowboys this weekend.” Unless you plan on getting in a shootout with Tank Johnson and Pacman Jones (a distinct possibility, I admit) kindly shut your piehole. The Redskins may very well kill the Cowboys (SPOILER ALERT: they won’t) but you will have nothing to do with it.

That you live near the city whence a team derives its name (or you once lived near that city, or your dad lived near that city, or you just really liked their uniforms as a kid honestly that’s the reason you root for the Steelers it’s not because they’re always good or you’re a contrarian dickhead looking to piss off your family) doesn’t mean they represent you any more more than President Bush represents bushes. If you think your favorite team’s owner wouldn’t pick up and move this instant if he could make more money elsewhere, you’re crazy or a fan of the Green Bay Packers. (Being publicly owned by the members of the community will do that to you, natch.) There are, however, three exceptions, when the use of “we” in reference to a sports team is permitted.

You own the team, work for the team, or play for the team. Pretty self-explanatory, I’d say.



It is a national team representing the nation where you're a citizen. You want to cheer on Lannycakes and Eddie “Look at me, look at me, I’m a striker for a national team who doesn’t score” Johnson, and talk about how “we fucking kicked the crap out of those Barbadian losers”? Not sure why you’d want to, but go right ahead. (Side note: I actually like Landon Donovan and think he’s taken much too much abuse for the Americans’ struggles in 2006 Germany. He was named Best Young Player in Korea/Japan 2002, and is the American side’s all-time leader in both goals and assists. But my frustrations with the shitty-team-fest that is CONACAF have been well-documented.) They wear your flag, they play under the purview of your government, they represent you, fine: you can take partial ownership, make yourself feel included, say “we”.

But if you’re a guido dago wop from Long Island and you want to say, “l'insulto, ricchione culo!” even though you couldn’t pick Cannavaro out of a backline? Tough noogies. (Yeah, I said tough noogies. Don’t like it? Leave. There’s plenty of other websi—(Ed. note: SoBDD, shut the fuck up. No, I don’t want to hear that it’s a rhetorical device. We can’t take that chance when we have three readers. Just shut the fuck up.)

Exception to the exception: Not so much an exception as an extension, per say. Your country undergoes so many coups/civil wars you don’t know what the name on the front of the national team jersey will be next week. In that case, you should call the national team “those fucks who got out of military duty.”

College where you are currently enrolled. Similar to the national team bit, you’re allowed to claim responsibility for the results of your college’s teams, because they represent you as a member of the student body. Pay no attention to the fact that they don’t pay a dime while you pay through the nose; they have personal trainers, dietary counselors, and catered meals while you suffer through that cafeteria shit; they’re the two percent of the school that isn’t white or Asian; and they actually get laid on Saturday nights. They represent you. And after all, you had Intro to Psych with the star point guard. (Okay, now I know you’re bullshitting; basketball players don’t go to class.)

HOWEVA. It only counts if you’re an undergraduate. No pulling that, “Oh, I’m at Rutgers getting my Master’s Degree in Masturbatory Studies* so that means I say, ‘look how great we’re doing with C. Vivian Stringer at the helm of the women’s basketball team.’” That’s crap. First, your connection is with your undergraduate school, and once you’re done, you're done. Second, you’re a fan of women’s college basketball. Kill yourself.

*Side note: in addition to being a slightly clever master’s-masturbation near-homophone**, most graduate degrees are in Masturbatory Studies, even if it doesn’t say so explicitly on the diploma. (Sorry to steal your gimmick, JoePo, but it works so well.)

**Sideside note: the biggest homophone I’ve ever seen is the Doctor’s pink Razr.

I will take silence in the comments as a sign of your agreement.

Disclaimer: I have nothing against video games, urinating, or Mr. Leitch. But you find me a “no trying to associate yourself with sports teams through the use of grammatical constructions” picture, and I won’t need to use images of other “we” things.

One Final Question: If someone could explain to me why some of my commas are curved and some are straight, I would be fascinated by the answer. Are commas like penises?