A Modest Proposal

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Yesterday--Sunday the 22nd, though blogger is giving me crap, telling me that today is Sunday the 22nd--I watched two soccer games, both of which started just after 2:30 and ended around five. But that's about all they had in common, as the games were quite the study in contrast. On ESPN2, Spain played Italy in the UEFA Euro 2008 quarterfinals, while over on ESPN Classic, the United States topped Barbados in World Cup qualifying. The Euro game, played in Ernst Happel Stadion in Vienna, featured 48,000 screaming, chanting fans, as twin seas of azzurro and roja saw two top-flight European sides battle it out for the right to face Russia in the semis. Spain finally took the game down in penalty kicks, breaking their June 22nd curse with a 4-2 PK victory. Meanwhile, the Americans, needing only to avoid an eight goal loss to advance to the next round of qualifying, sent out what was essentially a B-team and boringly rolled to a 1-0 victory over an amateur (that is, they were actually amateurs, like, their real jobs are as construction workers and electricians) Bajan squad. The listed attendance on the website of USSoccer was "TBD", but as the stands only surrounded half the stadium, and the fans barely filled half that, I bet it won't be 48,000.

So, yes, a study in contrasts. (Contrasts or contrast? When I googled 'em--my go-to move when determining proper usage--I got almost the same amount of hits for each. You make the call.) But it needn't necessarily be. Sure, Italy and Spain are better than us, but not by a long shot. We tied the Italians in group play in the 2006 World Cup despite some shady-ass refereeing that forced us to play a man down for half the game, and we recently gave the Spanish all they could handle before falling 1-0 in Spain. But as these teams played tough competition in front of millions of worldwide viewers, the American national side slogged through 90 minutes of soccer with a team that might charitably be called a minnow.

And so it goes in CONCACAF qualifying--the United States is forced to endure a seemingly never-ending parade of minnows, guppies, and polliwogs en route to the World Cup, an event at which their attendance is nearly assured from the start. (The American side has reached each of the last five World Cups, an honor it shares with just six other teams: Argentina, Brazil, Germany, Italy, South Korea, and Spain. Those teams are more than good.) Crushing tiny island nations and overmatched Central American squads fails to prepare the Americans for the biggest stage, as evidenced by our poor performances in European-based events. And I can't imagine the blue-collar workers of the Bajan national team particularly enjoyed being steamrolled, no matter how few fans are around to watch them get embarrassed. But as the title of this piece promises, I have a modest proposal that will help cure American soccer ills.

Inspired by the recent example of Australia, as well as the continued practice of Israel and Turkey, I think the United States should leave CONCACAF and join CONMEBOL, the South American governing body of soccer. Other squads have shown soccer regional governing bodies need not be tied strictly to geography, and there's no reason the United States needs to let our lack of competition hold us back. CONMEBOL features two top five teams in Brazil and Argentina, as well as respectable squads Paraguay, Uruguay, and Colombia. CONMEBOL World Cup qualification, in marked contrast to CONCACAF qualifying, is simple and straight-forward, as each of the 10 members all the others in a home-and-home series, with the top four advancing to the Cup while the fifth place team takes on fourth place finishers from CONCACAF. The opportunity to face this competition, in extremely hostile environments, would be forge the Americans into a mentally tough side able to get results in any conditions.

Just as the Socceroos of Australia were welcomed with open arms into AFC, the Asian federation, so, too, would the South Americans be glad to add us to the mix. We have gained some measure of respect worldwide in soccer, and our arrival would probably secure an additional qualifying slot for CONMEBOL. Our developed and (normally) strong economy could be of some benefit, as American fans could inject touristy-stuff in South America. And our foreign policy, generally unpopular in South America, could be challenged on the pitch. (If that doesn't make sense, just tune into the USA-Cuba qualifiers later this year. It will then.) The addition of the American side could help raise the level of play and qualifying in CONMEBOL, while also providing the United States the opportunity to take its game to the next echrlon.

The obvious drawback to this plan, of course, would be the loss of a heated rivalry with Mexico. El Tri has given us all we can handle and then some, and passion runs deep on both sides of the Rio Grande. But sometimes you just need to say, "Adios!"