Weekly Draft 1: Unsung Superheroes

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Welcome to a new segment we're starting this week. As fantasy and sports nerds past, present, and future, we love all things that are drafts and drafting. But we really don't have enough opportunities to enjoy this interest of ours. Apart from our one or two fantasy drafts a year and a hand full of sports drafts that are worth while, for a long time we didn't know where to turn to feed our drafting urges. Well, now we do. In this new segment, we'll be drafting all kinds of different topics. Our goals are simple: to find an outlet for this need we have and to do it in hilarious fashion.

This week: Superheroes we'd most like to see made into a modern movie.
Drafters in order: SoBDD, Doctor Dozer, theShow, blogsquatch

1.1 - SoBDD - Captain America

His recent tragic death aside, there is no superhero I’d like to see get his own vehicle more than blurryfoot Captain America. Though Superman claims to stand for “Truth, Justice, and the American Way,” there is no costumed crimefighter more American than Captain America. Born weak and sickly, Steve Rogers became strong and good-looking through that distinctly American practice of pulling himself up by his bootstraps utilizing the wonders of science to cure his ills. His liberal "the government should solve all my problems" attitude patriotism is such that he handed himself over to the military to be experimented on. Now, he sticks his nose in other people's business serves America and humanity as a “super-soldier”, clad in red, white, and blue. (No flag pin questions with this guy!) Though there was a 1990 direct-to-video Captain America film, it is high time for another version starring, of course, Stephen Colbert.

1.2 - Doctor Dozer - The Ambiguously Gay Duo of Ace and Gary
If it isn't clear to you already, I like gay jokes. They are quite hilarious, and I'm not ashamed to say it. That being said, superheroes, as blogsquatch's recent superhero fashion guide post showed us, are straddling the line between normality and gayness. One more inch, and they'd be over. Well thankfully, Ace and Gary take us that inch and deliver us unto the promised land of unchecked jokes about the gay. In addition, SNL has a history of solid skits transitioning well into movies. From The Blues Brothers and Wayne's World to Superstar and Ladies' Man, they've done pretty well thus far. And let's be real, the recent slew of superheroes movies are in need of some serious mockery. Last but certainly not least, the voice actors for Ace and Gary are Stephen Colbert and Steve Carell, respectively. A movie with these two as the leads, whether it is animated or real life, would be damned funny. MAKE THIS MOVIE! (Ed. note: So we like Colbert, okay?)

1.3 - theShow - Hawkeye
I've always had a soft spot in my heart for Hawkeye. He is one of those forgotten superheroes and therefore well under-represented in the tv/movie realm. As a kid I loved action figures and the day I found Hawkeye is a day that I will always remember. Seeing that dark purple suit with his bow and arrow and quiver, complete with actual individual arrows. Very cool. Anyway, he is legit and can pull off the purple very nicely. Another attribute that makes him cool is the fact that he does not really have any superhuman abilities. He is just an excellent athlete (much like myself) with tremendous bow and arrow abilities. Hell he is even an accomplished acrobat and aerialist. Take that Captain America. I think it's time for the lesser superheroes to start popping up and Hawkeye should be the first. I mean they made "Daredevil" for God sakes. Can't they make this then. Let's make it happen and get a bad-ass actor like Eric Bana or Daniel Craig to portray him.

1.4 - blogsquatch - The Shadow
Yes, the Shadow was made into a movie in 1994 starring Alec Baldwin and yes this is supposed to be about unsung heroes that haven't been cinematized just yet, but this guy is awesome and I can just picture such an amazing movie from him (which they're already in the process of making...). He's a telepathic guy that is basically invisible when he wants to be, is a great marksman, and a gifted student of the martial arts (mixed or otherwise). He was evil for the longest time, but was brought to the "light side" by a bunch of Tibetan monks he came across. Anyway, this is an evil man! No wishy-washy emo Spiderman stuff in this movie. It would be more along the lines of Batman Begins (now that I think about it, almost exactly like it), but way darker. Well, whether I'm wrong or right, one thing is for sure: this movie is already in production, and I think it's going to be sick.

2.1 - blogsquatch - Aquaman
Some people say I look like Vince Chase (played by Adrian Grenier) of Entourage. Well you know what? I sort of do. I also really enjoy the work of James Cameron who directs the Aquaman film starring Vince in the show. I would definitely also blow off another director if I were to have already committed to him to be his star if James Cameron offered me the lead in Aquaman. What I'm trying to say is that Vince and I are very similar. But I'm better because I lax and I blog. Suck it, Vince.

2.2 - theShow - Wonder Woman
Yes that is right I picked a female superhero. I think it is time for a blockbuster movie about a hot, scantily clad chick kicking some bad guy ass. The Wonder Woman outfit is very easy on the eyes, as long as you fill it with someone worthy of exposing that much skin. I like to think Jessica Alba would have no problem doing that (I didn't like her as a superhero in "Fantastic 4"', but this role might work better than that one). Or maybe even Angelina Jolie, but she might not be PG-13 enough for this role. Get any hot actress (preferably one with some acting ability) and stuff her in those tights and low-cut top and we have ourselves and excellent flick right there! (Ed. note: Because that formula worked so well for "Catwoman"...)

2.3 - Doctor Dozer - Megaman
I want to see a Megaman movie for mostly one reason: Megaman was a nickname of mine in high school. Yes, an upperclassman on my football team called me Megaman. Was it because I had Mega ability? Was it because my quarterbacking arm was interchangeable as well as devastating? Was it because I had a flying robotic dog? No. It was because I had a big head and because it looked bigger in the Peyton Manning-esque helmet I wore as a junior. That was the reason. But I was dominant and my arm was more devastating than a large cannon blast from Megaman's power arm after holding down the B button for over thirty seconds. I know, right? And the thing is that I really was that good. Really.

2.4 - SoBDD - A Villain
Just as Christopher Nolan's "Batman" and Sam Raimi's "Spider-Man" have reimagined their heroes with an eye towards the psychological demons superheroes must face, it would be fascinating to take a look at this whole good-evil thing from the other side. Sure, we all know Batman fights crime because of his daddy issues, and Spider-Man is a big ninny who feels bad if one person in a city of 12 million ever experiences discomfort (sounds like a pinko Democrat!) (Ed. note: or, you know, like Christ.) but why does any particular Supervillian behave in such a strange Supervilliany manner? Like, every villain (hell, everybody) wants to get rich and powerful, but what's with all the Supervilliany Z strange behaviors? I'm not talking about an anti-hero (think V from V For Vendetta or the Punisher); these figures work for the greater benefit, and their psyches have been well-explored. I want to plumb the depths of a man(Ed. note: He wants to plumb the depths of a man? Ultra-gay.)'s mind who has great abilities, yet purposely and knowingly works against the good of humanity. Perhaps a movie told from the villain's perspective can explain our questions away.

3.1 - SoBDD - Tom Brady
Hold your fire, Doctor Dozer. (Yes, I know that's difficult what with Brady's studliness and your, um, condition, but you'll have to do the best you can.) My third and final superhero selection is indeed Tom Brady, quarterback for the New England Patriots. Tom Brady is, without a doubt, the finest quarterback in the NFL. His good looks and charm leave nothing to be desired, and his girlfriend, Gisele Bundchen, is possibly the most beautiful woman on the planet, in addition to being extremely wealthy. Every man in this country wants to be him. Every woman in this country wants to do him--and hell, so of the men do, too. There is nothing Tom Brady could ever want for. Now tell me: if that's not being a superhero, what is?

3.2 - Doctor Dozer - Captain Planet
Everyone knows Al Gore is possibly the biggest whacko out there preaching fire and brimstone to the people of the world right now. Yes, we have to take care of our planet or it will blow up or something awful or blah blah blah ploygamy, terrorism, Iran. I've heard it all before, folks, when I was much younger and my head was just as large (literally) as it as now. That's right: CAPTAIN PLANET! Now he was a hero. He would take polluters down to zero. And above all else, one of the elements of the Earth that was called upon in order to call Captain Planet was Heart. You remember, I know. That kid that looked like he was from the Jungle Book. Well I can tell you this about Captain Planet: Rudyard Kipling hated people from India. And Captain Planet had blue skin and green hair. Beat that, characters from Doug! Oh wait. Crap, they do, too. Ummmmm....I guess my last point is that Al Gore sucks. Yeah, that'll do it.

3.3 - theShow - Gambit
I'm going to make this short and sweet. I sat through three X-Men movies and every time I was pissed to see that my favorite comic mutant was left out. Gambit spoke with a cool accent (Cajun) used a bo staff to beat down his enemies, and threw flaming playing cards. That's all that needs to be said. He is so damn cool. I just read that he will be portrayed in the new Wolverine movie by some dude from the Friday Night Lights tv show. That is weak having some no-name kid play Gambit. Give him his own movie and have the Govenator Arnold Schwarzenegger play him. I mean an Austrian accent and a Cajun accent are basically the same anyway.

3.4 – blogsquatch - The Green Lantern
I am a Mexican. Well, I guess Spanish-Mexican, but who's counting? As a Mexican (more or less), I love all that is our culture: tequila, coronas, Aztec warriors, tamales... you get the picture. As such, I did a little digging for a Mexican superhero and I present to you... no one. None worth writing about at the very least. So, instead, I choose another minority: John Stewart, the black Green Lantern. Now, there are more than one Green Lantern because his powers, power over the Earth around him, comes from a ring he wears that is given to him by the Guardians of the Universe. Only those that possess the willpower and inner strength the wield the rings are granted them. So clearly I would have a ring. Anyway, they're all green and they kill shit. And besides Hancock, how many minority superheroes have we had? We're well overdue. GREEEEEEN!