Weekly Draft 2: Ολυμπιακοί Αγώνες

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(That's Greek for 'Olympic Games'. But hey, it's all Greek to me, right?)


As you surely know, today, 8/8/08 marks the start of the start of the Games of the XXIX Olympiad, held in Beijing, China. The Olympics are a great opportunity to see sports we don't often get a chance to, so we at BIBTTP figured we'd get in on the act. So now, we say: what Olympic sport would you like to be awesome at?

The order is: Doctor Dozer, Torshin, JuicyJuice, theShow, blogsquatch, SoBDD

Picks (and pics!) after the jump...

Doctor Dozer: Fencing - I think we've already discussed our status as nerds here at BIBTTP. However, I want to confess to you all that I may be the leader of the nerd category around here as I am a devout fan of... Star Wars. I know, I know. But ever since I was little, I just wanted to sword battle someone with a lightsaber, eventually decapitating him with a scissor motion using two blades or chopping off his arm as I tell his our previously secret familial relationship. Well, just as wiffle ball bats and lacrosse sticks had to do when I was younger, fencing blades will have to do for now. I think I am destined for the sabre event (cough lightsaber) and would dominate any opponent as if he were a mere Padawan.

Torshin: Beach Volleyball - Well I bet many of you are wondering why I picked beach volleyball with my first round pick out of the plethora of possible sports to choose from. Quite simply I picked it for the women. If you are the world's best beach volleyball player you are going to be spending plenty of time on a beach with a great body and have thousands of bikini-clad women attempting to get into your pants to find some endorsement money or something like that. Why choose a sport if the sport isn't going to get you any women?

JuicyJuice: Team Handball - There’s a reason that soccer (real football) won’t get drafted for long time: it sucks to play because you can’t use your hands. (Ed. note: Funny, 'cause your motha didn't feel the same way...) In basketball, you can thread the needle with a pinpoint pass through a defender’s legs. And you can do this because you can use your hands to advance the ball. The best you can do in soccer is kick the ball to a general space and put it on some a teammate’s foot. Would I ever choose to complete a task using my feet? No. So, if you improve the rules of soccer and play the game with your hands … you’ve got team handball! It’s everyone’s favorite gym game (dodgeball) but with a strategic purpose, the same as soccer’s: beat the defense and a goalie to rip a g. Sweet.

theShow: Decathlon - Oh you're good at one event...well I can dominate anyone in 10 different events ranging from the long jump to the javelin throw. In other words, I am the best all-around athlete at the Olympics and in turn the entire WORLD. I'll take that. Plus Bruce Jenner, shown at right, parlayed his gold medal from the decathlon into a lucrative career doing absolutely nothing. Too bad his face looks like it is made of rubber now.

blogsquatch: Archer who lights the Olympic Torch - Yeah, all these so-called "sports" are great, but really, why are they great? Would you ever watch team handball or track and field or any of this stuff if it didn't have the title "Olympics" attached? Of course not. These sports are on TV (a lot) and people care about them only because of the setting and the traditions that come with it. Who better to symbolize those traditions than the man who commences the Games by launching a burning arrow into the Olympic Cauldron like a hero of old? I get goosebumps just writing about it...

SoBDD: Mile - According to Standard Rules & Measurements, a mile is 5280 feet, 3074.201 Egyptian cubits, 1760 yards, 1609.334 meters, 880 fathoms, or .000000000000170108 light years. According to those who love track and field, a mile is perfect. For years, the four-minute mile was thought to be the boundary of excellence through which no human could pass without jeopardizing his life. Though the barrier has long since been broken, the mile still holds unparalleled public cache. Running a mile takes an equal mix of aerobic and anaerobic oxidation, an equal mix of speed and endurance, an equal mix of guts and guile. To be the world's finest miler is truly to be the world's finest runner. There is no higher title than that.

(Ed. note: Yes, we know the mile has never been contested at the Olympics, with the 1500 meters standing in its stead. But please, don’t let the Communists win: no metric system.)

SoBDD: Water Polo - Though water polo is most widely played on the West Coast, don't let its popularity with those smoker-surfer hippie laid-back cool dudes fool you: this sport is fucking awesome. Water polo is vicious, as the guys in the show-your-junk-trunks constantly batter each both other above and below the water. Water poloists (Poloers? Why don't we go with 'water polo players'...) are ripped, and they absolutely have to be, as they swim, tread water, and fight surreptitiously for 32 straight minutes. They can also propel themselves high out of the water, using only their abs and legs, in order to shoot or make a save. It's rugby in the water, plus you get to look like The Man shooting, just like in team handball. Of, if only I could swim...

blogsquatch: Badminton - Think about your family reunions. Okay, so at my family reunion we mostly hit pinatas, drink Coronas, and eat tacos, but I bet I know what happens at yours. Grandma smells funny and pinches your cheek, your aunts talk about how much you've grown, creepy Uncle Chris has too much to drink and starts saying inappropriate things to your 12-year-old cousin... And, eventually, someone pulls out a backyard badminton set. If you're no good at it, badminton is about the lamest thing there is, but if you're sick--wowzer. It offers the chance for high-flying hard-hitting action, as you fire your cock at your family members hit the shuttle back and forth. Aunt Rosie made you eat her uber-shitty pineapple upside down cake? WHAM! Grandpa got you a Blue's Clues video for Christmas, even though you're 15 years old? SLAM! Your tease of a cousin won't kiss you, even a peck on the cheek for crying out loud? BLAM! It would be awesome to show your family how you really feel by kicking their collective asses as badminton.

theShow: Trampoline - This is a new event, not sure of the actual name of the event, but you might as well just call it: Little People Bouncing Up and Down. I just think it would be cool to go that high and flip and spin like crazy. Who didn't love trampolines as a kid, hell I still love them, why wouldn't you want to do it competitively?

JuicyJuice: Table Tennis - I get my ass kicked regularly by all of my friends at ping pong. Actually, at all racquet sports for that matter. So if I could pick one racquet sport to take revenge upon them, it would no doubt be the most serious of them all: table tennis. Olympic table tennis requires agility, power, quickness, and the ability to do all of those things with a deft hand (because you’re smacking around a tiny plastic ball). I don’t know if you have witnessed anything but casual ping-pong, but table tennis is not a game for the weak-minded. To return the blistering serves these athletes are forced back yards away from the edge of the table, and then volley from that distance. Putting spin (“english,” or as my friends say, “jizz”) on a ball is one of the coolest things in sports. Pitching a baseball or a golf ball is cool, but not as sweet as chopping a ping pong ball or ripping a vicious backhand.

Torshin: Shooting - Screw China. That's the reason I picked rifles with my second pick. For years China has been pouring ridiculous amounts of funding into less well known sports such as all the riflery events and other things like table tennis, diving, and many others in order to increase their medal count. Basically I'm taking one for the team in order to rob those communists of a few medals. Also it would be pretty cool to be amazing at shooting things 'cause you could make serious bank doing parlor tricks like shooting quarters and stuff.

Doctor Dozer: Archery - I'm not a fan of guns. Not at all really. It's the only point in the Constitution that I completely disagree with (maybe the 19th Amendment as well...). I mean, imagine how much safer you'd feel if guns didn't saturate this country. But bows and arrows? Totally OK. I mean, think of all the awesomeness that went down in the times of Robin Hood. Think of how cool it must be to tag a deer or some other furred beast with an arrow so that you can eat it and put its head on your wall. Think of that scene in Hero at the end where he is just demolished by a wall of arrows or the scene in 300 where the same thing happens but the Spartans are too cool for it. Archery is totally sweet because it is simple, traditional, and bad ass. If I could be awesome at it, I would steal from the rich, feed my family, and try to kill heroic figures.

Doctor Dozer: Sailing - So many of our friends are of substantial amounts of old wealth and, as such, are sailing enthusiasts. My motivation for selecting such a preppy, nauseating sport is this: I would love to be better at their elitist pasttime than they are. Imagine me racing against a certain Gary Hotchkiss in a regatta, swinging the jib boom all over the place as I expertly maneuver my vessel past his, maybe even in circles around his, as I deftly beat him to the finish line. I would love to see him in his white pants, boat shoes, and pastel shirt standing dumbstruck on the dock, stunned at the defeat. It would be almost as good as slaying theShow's mother and having him find out about it. One can always dream... (I <3 Anne Marie)

Torshin: Soccer - Yes I picked soccer. Or futbol or football or whatever the hell you want to call it. If I'm going to be the best at something hell I might as well be the best at the most popular sport. I don't care if you are the fastest 10km runner in the world most people aren't going to know your name. I don't care if you can swim faster than most fish because people are going to forget you pretty quickly. But if I'm one of the world's top soccer players, not only am I going to be rich but I'm going to be famous.

JuicyJuice: Modern Pentathlon - Often called the "sport that most accurately conveys the ideals of Olympism." Only true renaissance athletes are fit to compete in this event. You may have run track in high school, maybe you run marathons now. But after running 3 km, can you complete a show jumping course on horseback? Slay a fencing opponent? Win a 200 meter freestyle swimming race? And then out-shoot enemies in a pistol shooting competition? Didn’t think so. Surprisingly this ridiculous event has been an Olympic sport since 1912. Modern pentathlon medalists would have been elite soldiers during the American Revolution/ Civil War: can travel quickly by foot, water, or horseback and master of the sword and gun.

Ed. note: So the "sport that most accurately conveys the ideals of Olympism"--you know, achieving a spirit of better understanding between men and nations, as well as competition for the sake of pushing oneself towards excellence--is...one designed to train and test army officers?

theShow: High Dive - I enjoy swimming pools, but high dives scare the piss out of me. I think it is so impressive what those guys/girls do from the time they leave the platform to the time their svelt bodies splash into the water. Please refrain from any Greg Lougayness jokes please. Thank you.

blogsqatch: Rhythmic Gymnastics - Did you ever play that game with Chinese fortune cookies (no, not that game, Dozer) where you added "in bed" to the fortune. You know: "You will have great success"... In bed! "Be adventurous and good things will happen to you"... In bed! "The time is right to make new friends"... In bed! See, never gets old. What does that game have to do with rhythmic gymnastics? Not much, really, except I'd really like to be "in bed" with some of these rhymthic gymnasts. Just think: all the grace, flexibility, need for affirmation, and general sexiness of regular gymnasts (Ed. note: And the unnaturally delayed menstruation!), but skilled with sex toys hoops, balls, and ribbons. Woo Hoo!

SoBDD: Field Hockey - I love field hockey for its unique strategy--being only able to play with the right side of the stick really changes the game (imagine if you were only allowed to dribble a basketball with your right hand)--for its exciting penalty corners, for the speed and grace with which the players move, for its status as the only sport that India would ever have a hope of winning a medal in, and for the challenge of the drag flick, which some have described as the most difficult thing to do in sports. Eh, who am I kidding? I just want to wear a skirt.

What about you? Yes, we picked a lot of great events, but there are a bunch we missed. Put your own in the comments.