McCain: The Right Man for America

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We’ve been around for about a week now and, best we can tell, the only people who have visited the site are us trying to see if anyone else has visited the site. What do you do when nobody is paying attention to you? Well, to take a page out of the collective books of Skip Bayless, Jay Mariotti, and salesgenie.com—that last one is the people who ran the racist Super Bowl ads—you say something sure to piss people off and wait for the attention to start rolling in. The critics among you might point out that for people to get pissed off, they have to hear it first, to which I reply: a) it’s lack of critical thinking skills on issues like that one that mean we still have no readers, and b) if we have no readers we have no critics, so who am I arguing with right now? So, here’s my sure-to-piss-people-off stand, at least in the liberal world that is the Internet, the Northeast, and Reston University: I support John McCain for president.

Now, how sure-to-piss-people-off (STPPO) is that? In the grand scheme of things I could’ve chosen to support, maybe not that STPPO, but I’m new at this. (Coming tomorrow: I support global warming and climate change.) Over the past two months, John McCain has received the primary vote of almost six million Americans. But he’s also failed to receive even 50% in 18 of the 24 states (plus the District of Columbia) which have held elections, got less votes than Ron Paul in four caucus states—future election rule: you get less votes than Ron Paul or Dennis Kucinich (and you know those crackpots will keep running for president) in any state, you have to drop out then and there—and drawn the ire of such a spectrum as The New York Times, Anne Coulter, and, most recently and most notably, Bill Cunningham. To which I say: if you’ve manage to piss off all those people, you’re either doing something very wrong or very right.

So then, why is John McCain the right man to lead our country? Before I begin, and you start tuning out because you don’t want to hear about or can’t even wrap your head around how John McCain’s immigration plan is better than Obama’s or why McCain’s thoughts on the economy are superior to Hillary’s, I will promise you this: I will not turn this into a policy wonking session. So what if you don’t understand them? [Disclaimer: I do not actually feel this way. I hope to God you understand the issues at least on some level. But bear with me here.] If you are reading this, you’re probably more media-savvy and well-educated (not to mention hotter and better endowed!) than the mouth-breathers in Florida, Ohio, and Pennsylvania who will decide this election. (I can just hear the people in Iowa saying, “We’re mouth-breathers, too! Don’t forget about us!”) But anyway. No issues. Just people.

John McCain is the right man to lead our country, now more than ever, for three reasons. John McCain is the right man for Washington. Some decry him as a Washington insider, and not, on some level, without merit. But McCain, with his 22 years of Senate experience, is a Washington insider in the best sense of the word. For all the talk about Barack Obama’s ability to reach across the aisle to heal political wounds, I say the same thing everyone has been asking—or should’ve been asking—about all the elements of the Obama campaign: Where’s the beef? (Ed. Note: The Eighties called. They want their joke back.) (Ed. Ed. Note: They want that one back, too.) Obama’s work and votes in the Senate are so liberal (check out the National Journal Senator rankings for now, I’m looking for another one to corroborate) as to lend absolutely no credence to the idea that he will bring much-needed much-promised postpartisan Change ™ to Washington. But as we speak of this business of “healing DC”, it is important to note that, contrary of the opinions of Mitt Romney—who simultaneously tried to run as the candidate anointed by Republican elites and the outsider candidate—Washington is not “broken”. Contrary to the opinions of Barack “Shawshank”—that’s Andy Dufresne’s rhetoric, Red’s voice, and Rita Hayworth’s emptiness-behind-the-sexy-front— Obama, Washington is not “where good ideas go to die”. Good things happen in Washington every day, and I don’t just mean Gilbert’s blog posts. What it takes for good things to happen in Washington—or hell, anyway—is for people to be willing to listen to each other and work with each other. And though it’s pissed a lot of people off, John McCain has consistently shown a willingness to do just that. I point you to McCain-Feingold, McCain-Kennedy and the Gang of 14. (Don’t know what I’m talking about? Well, you’ve done the hard part and gotten access to the internet. Google ’em yourself. And plus, I promised no policy-wonking-off.) You may disagree with the conclusions reached and ends aimed for, but the Good Lord knows the man is trying. McCain has shown a willingness to work with others with the country’s best interests at heart.

As you surely know, because even attack ads against him make note of it, John McCain’s war record is exemplary. McCain, for those you who don’t know, served our country in the Navy for upwards of 20 years, of which seven years were spent in combat in Vietnam. Of course, over five of those years were as a Prisoner of War of the North Vietnamese, where he was constantly subject to intense and inhumane torture. I have heard it whispered that five and a half years in a POW camp aren’t so good for your brain. To which I reply: five and a half years of coke ain’t so good for your health either, but that’s not stopping Barack Obama. But I digress. I don’t want this to be an anti-Barack Obama post, because Lord knows he’s the people we’ve been waiting for. (Coming tomorrow: Obama’s Christ Complex.) McCain’s military experience give him a significant advantage over the other candidates when it comes to deciding the best course of action in Iraq. He pushed for a greater influx of troops—“the surge”—when it was wildly unpopular, and his campaign only rallied from the hit it took from this stand when his views where vindicated and the surge proved to be successful. Please understand we do not need a military man to run the country, even in a time of war—look no further than Abraham Lincoln, our greatest wartime (or anytime) president who never served in the military. If our Founding Fathers had believed military experience was necessary to head the government, they wouldn’t’ve made the military subordinate to the civilian government. Instead, it appears they, like me, subscribed to Georges Clemenceau’s thoughts on the subject: War is much too serious a business to be entrusted to the military. And again, I digress. The point is, as a man who has served his country honorably in uniform and out, John McCain can be trusted to do the right thing with the American military.

This brings me to my final point on John McCain’s candidacy. Any discussion of McCain must start and end with one word: ethical. (Here, I’ve chosen just to end with it because it would look pretty fucking stupid to have the same paragraph at the beginning and end of the post.) Throughout his life, John McCain has constantly shown himself to be a man of the highest integrity and honor. A quick side story, one that does serve a purpose besides allowing me to show off the fact that I have real political knowledge and can do more that slip in one-liners directed at Obama. There are two recently trends in politics driven by Karl Rove, both counter to the way politicians usually think. (If you know anything about politicians, it should come as no surprise that these trends are wildly successful.) Rove beliefs were thus: first, instead of moving to the center and courting moderate voters, candidates are better served appealing to their “base”—voters firmly in their camp ideologically but often cannot be motivated to get out and vote. Rove got them off their asses and to the polls. Second, instead of attacking your opponent where he is weakest, attack him at his strength and take his voters there. (I’m sure you will remember the hullabaloo about John Kerry’s military service. No matter your views on the Swift-Boating, one thing is clear: John Kerry gave more to this country while in uniform than George W. Bush did. But when the election came, who was perceived as the more military-savvy man? Exactly.) So, anyway, attack an opponent at his strength. And over the past week, both Barack Obama and The New York Times (if you don’t think the Times is McCain’s opponent just as much as Obama is, well, you’ve never read The New York Times) have gone after McCain’s credibility and ethics, both in regards to his marital fidelity and his relationship with lobbyists. (Coming tomorrow: I go after The New York Times’ creditability. Whoops, Jayson Blair beat me to it.) Given that all attacks were quickly defanged and debunked, even by national media aching for a black cock, it is fair to say that this Caesar’s wife truly is beyond reproach.

John McCain is the right man for America. Does it help McCain’s cause that I agree with him on many major issues? Of course. But I disagree with him on some major issues as well. Does it McCain’s cause that one of my buddies worked on his campaign? Of course. But I have plenty of friends working for Obama too. Does it McCain’s cause that he has a banging hot 54 year old wife? Of course. And I ain’t qualifying that one with a but. Really, though, the reason I think John McCain should be our next president is that more than anyone, I trust him to do right by our country. He is a man of of courage and integrity, who has served the United States honorably in the past and will continue to do so, no matter the outcome of this election. He is a man of principle, but he is unafraid to compromise when it is in the country’s best interest. And… after 1750 words, I have no conclusion.

Vote McCain.