If you don't know much about the Apple Store on 59th and 5th avenue in NYC, then you should know that it is open 24/7. Except for today. As I was taking a nice stroll today, I walked by the Apple store and noticed something unusual about it. I noticed that there seemed to be a line outside of the front door, several Apple employees wearing their brightly colored shirts, a good amount of security detail surrounding the building, and more importantly very expensive equipment clearly meant for shooting some sort of production. Upon closer inspection, I noticed no customers were inside of the store, and people were being turned down from entering the store. I couldn't help but ask one of the individuals involved in the detail around the store (it doesn't matter whether they were the security detail or an apple employee for the sake of keeping their identity as ambiguous as possible) what exactly was going on. "Oh the store is closed...they're shooting the new commercial for the new iPhone". Frankly their blunt and honest answer somewhat surprised me, as Apple has remained very covert over their entire operation. People kept carrying very expensive equipment into the Apple store, and the security detail began to set up a "rope barrier" around the perimeter of the store, about 10 feet away from the building, far enough away so that no one could get a glimpse of what was inside. This was at about 5 in the afternoon. I happened to walk by a little more recently this evening at about 10 p.m. and it looked like they were starting to store and shut down some of the equipment that had been placed outside the store. However, they still had a food stand and many more lights turned on inside the store. I decided to pry a little more from a different angle and approached one of the individuals involved in the detail again. When I asked when the new phone would come out, I received a very long-winded and very practiced response concerning their shortage in supply, their periodic but ambiguous deliveries of iPhone supplies, and the common "I don't know, they don't tell us anything". Good, because I had an ace in my sleeve (if you read my previous post on the 3G iPhone you'll see that many events seem to equal a 3G iPhone launch on June 15th), as I already knew that it was a commercial for the new iPhone. "So when does this commercial for the new iPhone come out". Here, they answered a very sincere, "I don't know," as they sounded almost a little disappointed, before they quickly realized what they had divulged clearly caught off guard, and they quickly tried to cover their tracks by saying, "I mean, we're not even sure if it's even for that...ya know". Well, there you have it, in my opinion, they wouldn't be shooting a commercial now for a product they are planning to launch months from now. It seems very clear that they will be releasing this new iPhone within the next 3 weeks.
Thursday, May 29, 2008
3G iPhone Commercial
Why I Hate Strip Clubs... Or At Least Strippers And Their Families... And All Their Relatives
Yes and no, kids. Let me explain. Yes, I like women. All women. They all have something worth while to give. Like the one with a prosthetic leg that gave herself to a teammate of mine a few years ago in Florida. Basically, she was cute, he was drunk, and they got in bed. She says something to the effect of: "Um, I have something to tell you." And POP! Off comes her leg just below the hip. He eases off of his position atop her, gets on his knees between her legs, reaches in his mouth and pops off his fake teeth. "Me too," he says, replacing them as he got back to work.
Being at a small, intellectual school, beauty is hard to come by. Instead of forsaking my endeavors, however, you just learn to love any little positive a girl might have. Some people call this "lowering standards," but I'd call it "broadening my horizons." Yeah, that girl has acne, a stupid hair cut, and a harelip, but she has rather nice eyes and they've been checking me out. I'll see you guys tomorrow." So yes, the Doctor loves women, and they need not be bombshells.
Naked women? Please. I won't even justify my love of the female form. Let's leave it at this: I've seen ya motha naked.
Then what is it, good Doctor? Why don't you love a naked woman flaunting herself at you in return for mere singles? It all goes back to a night, so long ago, when I was just a 17 year old boy trying to be a cool kid.
I was with my older brother and his friends, the youngest of which had just turned 18. To celebrate, they all pitched in 20 bucks and ordered up a stripper to the house. My first. I know, I know, hard to believe I was only a boy once, a boy with a dream to someday write for a blog that you'd be reading. But I digress.
So we 20 kids piled into the basement where there were three couches, a rug to sit on, and a lot of floor space for standing. Luckily, I sat on a couch with the only other two underage kids there, and then she came. In all her tank-top and jorts glory, hair in what can only be described as a slutty and dirty bun. As she reaches to remove her shirt, she pauses. "You guys are all 18, right?" I blush, but stay quiet, and off the shirt goes. And there she is...naked. Already? No dance or tease or anything? The mystery that was the in-person, naked female body was gone. No "let's turn out the lights," no fumbling to undo her bra in the darkness, just boobs. For me, for everyone there, and for the millions who must have seen this trash already.
Well, once I recovered from this initial shock (boobs), I noticed her stomach at the insistence of the kid to my left. I immediately regretted noticing. There was a huge, unsightly c-section scar running up her belly (and I reserve the term "belly" only for those who actually have one). I can't go into more detail than that without losing my lunch, but yes, a belly with a c-section scar. Holy mother of ew.
To make matters worse, this is everyone's first time, so we turn on some crappy dance music, and she starts moving around, and we're all just sitting there staring. A little while goes by, and the dancing isn't working, she realizes, so it's time for "lay-downs." Not much more to the phrase then what you'd expect. A fully naked, chubby mother of four lays across the couch on your laps and does awful things to herself. Awful things. Luckily, I was at the head end and didn't have to smell or look up her folded beef. As I look at her, she catches my gaze and, somehow mistaking my disgust for interest and desire, takes my hat, puts it on her head, grabs my hand and starts sucking on my fingers. It was one of the worst experiences of my life.
Looking in her crusty eyes, all I could see was her c-section, her children, and her filth. I never want to experience anything like that again...
until I'm over 30. Then I'll take what I can get, and if that's a hummer in the back of a strip club, so be it.
Yours,
Doctor Dozer
Red, White, and... Brown?
This afternoon, the United States men's soccer team played England in a friendly at Wembley. As Coach Bradley mainly used the match to test the form of his European-based players--only one MLS player started, with two more coming on in relief--and we were missing star midfielder Landon Donovan--who had a sore groin--the Americans weren't particularly expected to have a strong showing, and we surprised nobody. Amherica's poor passing, inability to set up quality scoring chances, and propensity to concede dangerous free kicks led to a 2-0 England victory.
So, our play was exactly like expected, anyway. And you might even say the same about our uniforms, in that in being nothing like anyone could've expected, they were exactly like could've been expected. (It's only fitting, I suppose, that such a contratian-sounding comment would owe a debt to Slate, and here it comes). The United States soccer teams' uniform troubles (and travels) have been well-documented. (Please note that the placement of the apostrophe was not a grammatical mistake. Rather, it was a nod to the American women's own kit problems, which, though many, will not be covered here.) Michael J. Agovino's piece that appeared on Slate last May--www.slate.com/id/2168476/--decried the American reluctance to pick a nice kit or two and stick with it. (For those who aren't up on soccer uniforms, and I can't say I blame you, "kit" just means "uniforms and stuff". Teams usually have two kits, a first and a second, and would generally prefer to wear the first as long as it isn't too similar to that of the home team, which has first pick.) In American soccer-playing history, long-but-not-distinguished, we've sported quite the array of uniforms. Below is a sampling. (Please note as well that I was unable to find any old pictures in color online, so these are all from the last 15 years.)
Yeah. Not pretty. Some red, some white, some navy blue, some royal blue, some stonewashed-looking blue, some diagonal stripes, some vertical stripes, some circles, some stars. A couple of those are solid, international-level kits, and more than a couple are pure garbage. But what we wore today... hoo boy.
I couldn't believe my eyes. America, as even foreigners like blogsquatch and dead people like blurryfoot know, is red-white-and-blue. Sure, the US men's soccer team hasn't been able to pick out a blue and stick with it, but at least we've been blue. When I asked some friends (and friends of the site) what color the US's uniforms were, I got the following responses:
Mrs. Schrute: "It's the USA. Of course they're wearing blue... No, brown. No, blue. Sons, why's the United States wearing brown?"
MacAttack: "They look gray... Or a weird blue."
Slov: "Blue. [With confidence.] Black. [With slightly less confidence.] They look gray. [She thinks for a moment.] Are they--[Totally perplexed.]--purple?"
As for myself, well, I think they'd be best classified as gray, perhaps even "slate". Maybe it's some kind of homage to Agovino's Slate commentary that the US needs to brand itself by picking something and sticking with it--so we picked something no one else would wear in a million years--or maybe it's an attempt to be "cool" and "cutting-edge" in an effort to attract fans who don't give a damn about World Cup quarterfinal appearances (2002, natch) but really like space-age looking Nike gear, or maybe they started as a normal blue and got damaged on the plane ride over. Or maybe they're just really fucking ugly, and will get thrown in the dustbin of bad American soccer uniforms like so many that have come before them.
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
I have seen the future, and his name is Brandon Morrow
As a Red Sox fan, I've seen my share of good young pitching. Jon Lester and Clay Buchholz, 24 and 23, respectively, have each thrown a no-hitter in the last year, and these young guns promise to anchor the Red Sox rotation for years to come. But watching the Sox-Mariners game tonight, I saw the future of pitching in the American League, and his name is Brandon Morrow.
Morrow is a 23 year old righty in his second full season in the big leagues. Tonight, after starter Miguel Bastista walked Dustin Pedroia and lefty specialist Ryan Rowland-Smith allowed a single to David Ortiz, Morrow was brought in to face Manny Ramirez. Though Manny has struggled a bit recently, just two innings before, he hit a three run homer off Bastista, #499 of his career. With two men on and no one out, it was clear Manny was looking to make it an even 500 against the young Morrow.
After a nice changeup to get ahead 0-1, Morrow buzzed Manny with a fastball inside. This kid was definitely not intimidated. On a one-one count, Morrow threw a 98 mph fastball that made Manny look really bad. Now, I've watched Manny hit for the last eight years, and I know that he doesn't look silly often. And when he does, it's sometimes even on purpose--he's such a good hitter, he'll take bad swings simply to lure the pitcher into throwing the same pitch again. "Another fastball, another fastball," I prayed. My wish was granted when Morrow busted out a 99mph heater. What a stupid I am! Once again, Manny looked foolish. Mike Lowell followed Ramirez, and had just as much success. After three straight off-speed pitches (slider-changeup-slider), Morrow blew him away with another 98 mph fastball. Against JD Drew--almost as if to show he could work backwards, too--Morrow threw four 97+ pitches to get ahead in the count before getting Drew to line out.
Morrow just went an inning, giving me plenty of time to research the kid. In his final year at Cal, he was dominant, sporting a 2.05 ERA with a 2.5 K/BB ratio, very impressive in the high-run environment that is college baseball. The Mariners made him the fifth pick in the 2006 draft, and he hasn't disappointed. In almost 100 innings pitched in all levels of pro ball, he's got a 3.19 ERA. Though he struggled with control somewhat last year--7BB/9IP--he seems to have turned things around this season. In 75 major league innings--all of which have been in relief, but, as Sox broadcaster Jerry Remy relayed, the Mariners are planning to move him to the rotation soon--he's struck out 83 and yielded only 5 homers. His fastball, as he demonstrated tonight, is a pitch to be reckoned with, and his off-speed stuff is a good 12-15 mph slower, very effective for throwing off hitters' timing.
This past offseason, the Mariners traded for Erik Bedard, hoping the Canadian would be the ace they wanted to put them over the top in the AL West. (The Mariners needed more than an ace to put them over the top in the AL West, but that's a whole 'nother story.) Though talks originally involved Morrow, they ended up holding onto the young pitcher. The Mariners will probably come to regret the deal, as they and Bedard have both struggled. But they will not nearly regret the deal as much as if they had traded Morrow away. They wanted an ace, and, while they didn't trade for one, at least they held onto one. Brandon Morrow is his name. Know it.
Sunday, May 25, 2008
3G iPhone
Given the nature of college life and how busy and lazy we become towards the end of a semester, we've taken a very long hiatus from writing any sort of posts on here. Granted we don't really have that big of an audience so, really, was it that big of a deal? Anyway, we're trying to get this site back up and running, mostly to entertain ourselves now that we really have nothing else to do. The last few weeks I've spent a good amount of time researching this new iPhone coming out. All you really need to know is this: Apple is planning on coming out with it's second version of the iPhone, one that is 3G capable. What does this mean you ask? Well, it means that AT&T is setting up a more powerful network for 3G devices, like the new iPhone, so that when they are using the internet, instead of browsing at speeds comparable to dial-up, they'll be using something closer to a WiFi broadband network. So now that you know what the product is, now you need to know when it'll be coming out. Well rumor had it that it was going to be released in January of 2008. That didn't happen. Rumors then proceeded on to talking about a release by the end of 2008. But, it seems as though it should be sooner than that. AT&T has reportedly aimed at completing a 3G mobile broadband network by the end of June. With the supply of iPhones coming to a screeching halt the last few weeks, it seems all but obvious that Apple is making room for its newest addition to the iPhone family. There's also been a few signs that hint to the arrival of this new phone. According to Import Genius, a website that tracks shipments of goods entering the U.S., Apple has been importing a very large amount of "electric computers" into the country the last couple of months. This is the data that the site presents, and it is actually very interesting how they've managed to deter any attention they may have attracted had they labeled the shipments under "iPhone". Additionally, on a visit to an AT&T kiosk at the local mall, I learned today that AT&T employees have been discouraged from taking any sort of vacation between the days of June 15th and July 21st. Coincidentally, Apple's Developer's Conference runs from June 9th to the 13th.