Weekly Draft 4: All-Time All-Basketball Selection-Off

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With the 08-09 NBA season beginning this week, Sons of Big Daddy Drew and I started talking hoop. We decided to each draft a team picking from the greatest basketball players of all time. When making our picks we weighted each player’s professional career more than their college performance and we weighted NBA seasons more strongly than any other professional experience. Our rosters consist of five starters and three subs. We limited subs to players that have never won a championship or never been the star player on a championship team.After the draft, we used whatifsports.com to simulate a seven game series between our two teams. When creating a dream team on whatifsports you pick a specific season that a player played. For instance, if you draft Michael Jordan, you have to decide whether to add 93-94 Jordan, 97-98 Jordan, or any other season he played. Whatifsports places a dollar value on each season a player has played, to represent his value. In general, I assembled the teams based on each player’s highest rated season according to whatifsports. However for players that won an MVP award, I selected their highest rated season in which they won the award. The most significant impact this had was on Wilt Chamberlain – he did not win MVP in the 61-62 season in which he averaged 50 points and 25 rebounds per game. The other exception in addition to the MVPs was Julius Erving, whose top rated seasons were played with ABA teams the New York Nets and Virginia Squires. Whatifsports requires you to have a full 12 man roster so we used 00-01 Tyronn Lue, 00-01 Tariq Abdul-Wahad, 05-06 Lonny Baxter, and 04-05 Vitaly Potapenko to fill out both our rosters so they would have no effect on the outcome the games.

Sons of Big Daddy Drew picked first in a straight (alternating rather than serpentine) draft. SoBDD named his team the Duke Street Kings (picks are in red) and JuicyJuice named his team Walter’s Warriors. Here’s how it all went down.

The Draft







Draft Analysis

• Interestingly, the two players with the most points in NBA history, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar and Karl Malone, were not selected in the draft.

• The dollar values of the two teams according to whatifsports:
o Walter’s Warriors - $69,555,850
o Duke Street Kings - $71,641,298

• 7 of the first 10 players selected played for either the Celtics or the Lakers.

• Tim Duncan and Allen Iverson were the only two players selected that are still playing today. Duncan is really the only player that should be considered in the “all-time greatest…” club as Iverson was selected as a sub.

• Bill Simmons’ “42.4 Club” can be used to point out a number of notable exclusions from our draft. This club is “for stars who averaged at least 42 per playoff game in combined points, rebounds.” Only 4 of the 16 players in the 42.4 Club were selected in the BIBTTP draft: Michael Jordan (8x), Larry Bird (4), Magic Johnson (2), Allen Iverson (2). Simmons club only includes season since the ABA-NBA merger in 1976, which explains why so many of our players are not part of this club. Of the twelve players in the club not selected but were legitimate candidates are: Shaquille O’Neal (4), Moses Malone (4), Kobe Bryant (3), Charles Barkley (3), and Karl Malone (3).

• If JJ were to re-do the draft, he probably would have altered his strategy slightly. JJ selected as though it was a real league in which many teams were drafting. All it really was though was SoBDD and JJ picking the two greatest players (in our opinions) at each position. So, the first five picks of the draft should all be different positions, presumably the best player at each position. There was no reason for JJ to take Chamberlain with the second pick because SoBDD certainly wasn’t going to take him after nabbing Russell. Despite how limited in scope this draft was, it provided for some interesting twists and turns. This draft is worthwhile however because if it were repeated a number of times by different people, I think you would get some real variation in the draft order and composition of the teams.


Draft Commentary

Sons of Big Daddy Drew: Okay. With the first pick in the All-Time All-Basketball Selection-Off I choose:

Winner of 2 national collegiate championships,
Winner of an Olympic gold medal,
Winner of 11 NBA championships,
A 12 time all star,
Elected NBA MVP 5 times,
Member of the NBA's 25th, 35th, and 50th anniversary teams,
Named "Athlete of the Decade" by the Sporting News for the 1960's,
Named "Greatest Player in the History of the Game" by the PBWAA in 1980,
Possessor of a 22-0 record in elimination games (that is, single elimination games, game 5 of a 5 game series and game 7 of a seven game series) across the collegiate, olympic, and professional levels,
The first black head coach in North American sports,
The toughest competitor, hardest worker, and greatest basketball mind the game has ever seen,

Bill Russell.

JuicyJuice: With the second pick, I select Wilt Chamberlain. Simple put, Chamberlain is the most dominant player to ever play the game. 7-1 250 lbs as a rookie, Chamberlain eventually bulked up to 300 lbs when he played with the Lakers. Chamberlain has a list of impressive accomplishments of his own: he is the only player to ever average more than 40 and more than 50 points in a season; only player to score 100 points in a game; he won seven scoring, nine field goal percentage, and eleven rebounding titles, and once even led the league in assists; he won two NBA titles, earned four regular-season MVPs, one Finals MVP, and was selected to 13 All-star and ten All-NBA First and Second teams. Over his fourteen seasons in the NBA, Wilt averaged 30 ppg, 22 rebounds, and 4.4 assists.

But the awards and stats don't measure how dominant Chamberlain actually was. Chamberlain was such an unstoppable force that his play forced the NBA to change the rules of the game. These rule changes included widening the lane and instituting offensive goaltending. You may think that old Dr. Naismith decided that players are not allowed to cross the free throw line when shooting a free throw. But you'd be wrong. The NBA instituted that rule because Chamberlain would leap from behind the line and throw down every one of his free throws! Leap from behind the line and throw it down! FROM BEHIND THE LINE!

Despite your first pick’s offensive ineptitude, I really can't say too much bad about him.

SoBDD: Wilt Chamberlain as "the most dominant player to ever play the game"? I guess Wilt has never met Bill Russell. Oh wait, he did. Eight times in the playoffs, in fact. Chamberlain's record in those series? 1-7. Sure, Wilt dominated with the ladies--20,000 according to him--but if he were so great on the hardcourt, why did Russell's teams consistently wipe the floor with him? Chamberlain was, to be certain, a giant presence, and his impact on the game is undeniable. He was also a giant douchenozzle. Teams generally don't decide to give away great players for the hell of it, and yet was traded twice in his career because no one could stand the bastard. And how dare you use Chamberlain leading the league in assists as evidence of his greatness? The reason he led the league in assists was not because it was the best for his team--it was because he didn't want to be considered selfish, and he figured the best way to show how unselfish he was to pass the ball all the time. Look, the man was on the great scorers ever--your rundown of his accomplishments showed that. And for such a great scorer to decline to shoot to prove a point-- to the detriment of the team--is about the most selfish thing anyone could do. (Is there a 'Kobe Bryant' in the audience? Hell, there's no one in the audience.) Listen, Chamberlain was a very good player, there's no denying that. But the goal here is to have a great team, and to put Wilt at the center, well, you're going to fall short.

Instead, give me Michael Jordan... As his NBA.com biography states, "By acclamation, Michael Jordan is the greatest basketball player of all time." He scored more points per game than Chamberlain, and he did it in an era when scoring was down and physicality was up. He led his team to the best single-season record of all time, and he won six championships. His five MVP awards and 10 scoring titles lend evidence to his individual greatness, as do his nine selections to the All-NBA defensive team. Think about it: the best scorer in the league 10 times, he was one of the five best defenders another nine times! ESPN named Jordan the greatest athlete of the 20th Century, and he's sold millions more shoes than anyone in history. And really, isn't that what it's all about?
Your pick, m'liege.

JJ: NBA.com and ESPN can suck my dick. Fuck Michael Jordan, I would have selected myself for this team before I took him.

I select Larry Bird. For many basketball purists, Larry Legend was the consummate basketball player: skilled in every facet of the game, played with hustle, had a tireless work ethic, and was the ultimate team player. His singular impact on a team is rivaled only by Tim Duncan’s, as Bird led the Celtics to what was at the time, the greatest single season record turn around in NBA history. Bird would win three championships with the Celtics and is the only player to win three consecutive league MVPs other than the first two picks in the draft. Bird was a 12 time all star and 9 time 1st team all-NBA selection, and his career statistics reflect how well rounded his game was (24-10-6). A three time selection to the NBA all-defense second team, Bird was no slouch on defense either. Maybe the most amazing statistic Bird owns is his career .496 shooting percentage which is just absurd for a non-post player. The legend of Larry Bird grew through epic clutch performances and plays and spectacular shooting expositions (once told a player how he was going to score after the ball was inbounded to him and proceeded to score the game winning basket in exactly that manner). Bird was everything you wouldn’t expect an unathletic white boy from French Lick, Indiana to be.

JJ: I select Bob Pettit. Although Pettit does not have the Q rating of Russell or Chamberlain, he was without a doubt the third most dominant post player of that era. Pettit played 11 seasons with the Milwaukee/ St. Louis Hawks after being a two time All-American at LSU. Pettit has the third highest rebounds/game average behind Russell and Chamberlain and the seventh highest scoring average ever (26-16). Pettit won two MVP awards and his only championship ring came at the expense of the Boston Celtics (Pettit poured in 50 points to seal a game 6, series-clinching, victory). Pettit's Hawks surely would have captured multiple titles had it not beenfor Red Auerbach's Celtics dynasty, who the Hawks lost to a number of times in the Finals. In his finest season, Pettit averaged 31-18. Pettit is generally credited with revolutionizing the power forward position, as he was the first dominant offensive player at his position. He will surely continue to dominate alongside his front court partner, the most dominant center to ever play the game.

JJ: I select Jerry West, yuh boi, Zeke from Cabin Creek. Yes, I know West led theLakers to the NBA Finals 9 times, all against the Celtics, and only won one once. But West is an icon, literally: the NBA logo? Yea, that's West dribbling the ball with his left hand. Mr. Clutch was a sharp-shooting guard that was as pure as they come. He averaged over 40 ppg over 11 games one post season and finished with career averages of 27-7 assists-6 reb. West also wore #44 which is sweet.

SoBDD: Fuck! The reason I took Hondo is because I figured I could still get West in the sixth, while there'd be no way you'd pass on Havlicek. What a stupid I am.

SoBDD: With my sixth pick, I'm going with a man who didn't just dominate basketball: he revolutionized it. The NBA of the 1960's was a game built on defense and rebounding, a game dominated by Bill Russell's great Celtics teams. But the next decade saw myriad changes, and chief among them was the newfound competition that the ABA provided. The ABA, with its colorful ball and three-point line, ushered in a new era, one built on excitement and theatrics. And the most colorful personality, the one who scored the most points, and the most exciting and theatrical was the man himself: Doctor Julius Erving.


JJ: I select: Scottie Pippen

DE - FENCE!! DE - FENCE!! DE - FENCE!!

JJ: With my 7th pick, I select Nate Thurmond. Every team needs a banger, and no one was better at banging than Nate the Great (other than Wilt the Stilt off the court obviously). Thurmond was the first player to ever record a quadruple double and averaged over 20 ppg and 20 boards pg one season. His career avgs are 15 pts and 15 boards pg. Thurmond was just a bad dude that intimidated the shit out of great centers like Russell, Chamberlain, and Kareem. He was also probably the greatest player (along with Rick Barry) to wear arguably the greatest basketball uniform of all time.












The Series

For our home arenas Sons of Big Daddy Drew chose the Boston Garden and JuicyJuice chose the Great Western Forum. Iverson was the primary sub for Walter’s Warriors and Havlicek played almost as many minutes as any other starter for the Duke Street Kings.
After dropping the first two games on the road, Walter’s Warriors adjusted the lineup slightly, giving more playing time to Chamberlain and Bird. This helped the Warriors to a game three win but the Kings stole game four at the Forum behind a strong performance by Kevin McHale odd the bench, putting JuciyJuice’s team in a 3-1 hole. Back on the road, and with their backs against the wall, Walter’s Warriors pulled out a game 5 victory. But the Warriors weren’t able to extend the series any further as the Duke Street Kings clinched the series the very next game. Whatifsports awarded the series MVP to Tim Duncan.

Duke Street Kings over Walter’s Warriors - 4-2

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Weekly Draft 3: Classes Every Student at Reston Should Take

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Because our first category was "Superheroes we'd like to see star in their own movie", and we figured that wasn't nerdy enough, we decided to follow it up with "Classes at Reston every student should take." As upperclassmen as Reston University (Motto: "Sede En Me Vulta") we figured it was our duty to tell the freshmen and the ill-prepared about some of the great classes that await them at our fine institution of higher learning. And so the third contributor draft begins... now.

Well, not quite now, persay, because first, a moment of clarification. Because theShow and Torshin, for all their wonderful qualities, do not attend Reston, we're going to be a bit short-handed. Order is SoBDD, Doctor Dozer, blogsquatch, JuicyJuice. Four men, two rounds, eight picks. Andnowwestart.

Sons of Big Daddy Drew: Introduction to the Law.

Cliche? Sue me. Or better yet, take this class, then sue me. Taught by Reston legend Houston Taras, Social Org covers nearly every important Supreme Court case of the last 100 years. This class gives prospective Poli Sci and Pre-Law majors a solid foundation in understanding the law, its interpretation, and its failures. The reading load is heavy, and Taras is a master at exposing your ignorance on that one day you didn't do it, but ithe knowledge gained makes it well worth it. From the fittingly-named Loving v. Virginia to the strange case of Riss v. City of New York to poor, poor Ceballos, these are some of the most interesting, enlightening, and relevant cases that've ever sat on the SCOTUS docket.

Doctor Dozer: Introduction to Geology.

I'll admit my skepticism when first signing up for the course at the recommendation of my hippie-scum adviser, but I actually enjoyed the hell out of it. Let's face it: we all need to pad our GPAs every once in a while, so why not get a few outdoor field trips and a little bit of knowledge out of it? And if you're afraid of actual science, why not take a fake one? Over the course of a semester, I did in fact learn a bit, and I never studied, let alone opened a book. I had a box of rocks (really minerals) in my room, and the girls always love that. And at the end of the day, your professor is guaranteed to be a fun-to-talk-to grass-smoking granola who doesn't have the heart to give you less than an A-. Dinosaurs. Oil. Hawaii. Yup, all the cool things, kids.

SOBDD-I've heard of Rocks for Jocks, but now they've got Rocks for Kids Who Suck Cocks? What's next? Rock for Box? (Dozer's motha) Rocks for Fox? (Bloqsquatch's motha) Rocks for people who like to trade stocks? (Gary) Rocks for lovers of smallpox? (Jeff)

Blogsquatch: Vampires.

Yes such a class does exist at Reston. When first finding out about it, I couldn't help but laugh at the thought of learning, reading, watching, and writing about vampires for an entire semester. Surely such a class would attract the most interesting group of people. You know the type: dark shades of eye-liner, long straight jet-black hair, crooked and off-centered designs on t-shirt that look like they belong in the artwork for a Rob Zombie album/movie instead of on people's...well not really chest, more like shoulder-back-side-pectoral area. Very Docter Dozer-ish. But to tell you the truth, the class actually....was everything I expected, but not really. Not too many crazy-clothes wearing fellers in the class, but you definitely get a different feel for the good-ol' vampire. You almost learn to love the poor misunderstood, creature of the night. Where else can you be assigned to watch a variety films where you have elements including but not limited to action, plenty of exaggerated and hilariously funny gore, Salma Hayek dancing 85% naked before she turns into a horrifying creature that actually reminds me of one of my english teachers from back in the day (of course you wouldn't know them), or even cartoon vampires from Cuba who are incredibly thristy for blood and unsatisfyingly horny as well (does that even make sense, Doctor Dozer knows more about that than any of us do so we'll ask him later about that). Anyway, the professor may strike students as a bit free-spirited and chique, and he is defintely a cool guy, but he certainly adds an extra value to a class that already is very much under-rated and over-looked by much of the student body.

SOBDD-The vampires weren't the only thing in that class that sucked! Hoo Boy! Burned! Oh yeaaaaaah! Gotcha blogsquatch!

JuicyJuice: Biological Psychology.

This class is definitely the closest I will ever come to taking a real science course (a step above Geo, which I also took). I was considering being a psych major at the time but I also took this class because I was genuinely interested. Bio-psych is a great course for anyone who has ever wondered how the brain works and why the human body does some of the things it does. Each week you cover a new topic including topics such as how the brain controls eating, drinking, sleeping, sex, memory, and language and basic sensory and motor functions. Pretty cool stuff, not to mention you sound really smart when you can talk about things like how a ligand-gated ion channel works and what the hypothalamus does (I would list more things but I have obviously forgotten most of the cool and useless information that I learned). Despite totally misrepresenting himself in a picture on the "psych professor wall”, Professor Beard was a cool nerd that was sometimes funny and usually interesting to listen to. The class does live up to its slightly intimidating name though as almost every paper and test is a bitch. But I think most students’ GPA survive this class just fine. I enjoyed this class so much that I considered taking a neuroscience class and I signed up for Psycho-Pharmacology, which I promptly dropped after realizing that I remembered none of the little chemistry that is required.

JuicyJuice: World Politics (That's the 4th thing to come up when you google image search world politics, I swear.

If there is one political science class to take at Reston, this is it. I say that because this is the only intro course that provides students with a basic understanding of the important ideas in political philosophy and of today’s important political issues. Topics include – the dynamics of great power politics, the changing role of state sovereignty, international civil society, international legal institutions, and the United States’ relationship with the EU, China, India, Russia, the Middle East, and Latin America. The most valuable part of this course for me was that its emphasis on geopolitics forced me to learn geography. I am very grateful that I now know that the difference between the Balkans and the Baltic states and that I can now name and locate more than one country in Africa on a map. Professor Mancala doesn’t even attempt to hide his radically liberal views on every topic but it honestly doesn’t detract from the course because the readings are a fair representation of the spectrum of political views. I can also guarantee that over the course of the twelve week semester, Mancala absolutely will not learn your name. Despite his flaws, Mancala and his accent are funny to listen to and he shows some cool clips that waste class time.

Blogsquatch: India in Film

What you get from this course will more than likely serve you no purpose after you graduate. Many consider it to be a joke class, and a g.p.a. booster. Yes, it proves to be a relatively simple course that you can take to help boost your grades, but its actually an incredibly entertaining and fun course. The movies, all Bollywood films, are incredibly awkward and different at first, but after giving it a chance, the common storylines, spontaneous dance routines, and the catchy music will eventually grow on you, and you'll end up enjoying class far more than you ever thought you would.

Doctor Dozer: Writing Poetry

With his second pick, you might think Doctor Dozer would pick a biology related course, or maybe organic chemistry, given his affinity for the body and doing doctoral things to it. However, you'd be wrong. The Doctor chooses Writing Poetry. Taking a creative writing course should be important to everyone. Never again in your life will complete strangers be forced to listen to your ideas and smile politely, so you might as well take advantage. With poetry in particular, though, not only are you expressing yourself creatively, you're also finding things out about yourself that you never knew before. Once you finish your first 4 poems about how light and fluffy the world is or how that bird is singing outside your window on a Sunday morning after brunch with white pants and linen shirts, using your little rhyme schemes and meter and witticisms, there's nothing left to do but dig inside yourself and see what's really there. You simply have nothing else to write about. The ideas that pop into your head when you're struggling for a topic are mostly frightening, but don't shy away from them. That's who you are deep down. Learn to embrace it, express it, and shock people with your honesty. No other class gives you the opportunity to "Fight Off Your Demons" like Writing Poetry. Be careful, thought, because you might just find out who you are and where you came from.

Sons of Big Daddy Drew: Introduction to Economics

Want to understand the relationship between supply and demand? Want to know why the Fed raises interest rates? Want to know what the Fed is? Want to know what interest rates are? Want to know why the summer gas tax holiday (endorsed by Hillary Clinton and John McCain) is a pointless idea? Want to know why this is such a stupid facebook group? Want to learn about Supply-Side Economics, Reaganomics, the Trickle-Down Effect, and VooDoo Economics? Want to know what William Jennings Bryant's "Cross of Gold" speech, widely considered one of the greatest orations in American history, was actually saying? Want to know, once and for certain, that Ron Paul is a crazy person? Want to know what that weird dude Russell Crowe played in "A Beautiful Mind" was all about? Want to know why your father got laid off from work? Take Introduction to Economics. (Oh, and your father got laid off because he's a lazy, drug-addled man-child who hasn't worked a productive day in his life.)

What are your own recommendations for classes, either at Reston or elsewhere? Great topics, great professors, great pictures? Yours in the comments...

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Weekly Draft 2: Ολυμπιακοί Αγώνες

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(That's Greek for 'Olympic Games'. But hey, it's all Greek to me, right?)


As you surely know, today, 8/8/08 marks the start of the start of the Games of the XXIX Olympiad, held in Beijing, China. The Olympics are a great opportunity to see sports we don't often get a chance to, so we at BIBTTP figured we'd get in on the act. So now, we say: what Olympic sport would you like to be awesome at?

The order is: Doctor Dozer, Torshin, JuicyJuice, theShow, blogsquatch, SoBDD

Picks (and pics!) after the jump...

Doctor Dozer: Fencing - I think we've already discussed our status as nerds here at BIBTTP. However, I want to confess to you all that I may be the leader of the nerd category around here as I am a devout fan of... Star Wars. I know, I know. But ever since I was little, I just wanted to sword battle someone with a lightsaber, eventually decapitating him with a scissor motion using two blades or chopping off his arm as I tell his our previously secret familial relationship. Well, just as wiffle ball bats and lacrosse sticks had to do when I was younger, fencing blades will have to do for now. I think I am destined for the sabre event (cough lightsaber) and would dominate any opponent as if he were a mere Padawan.

Torshin: Beach Volleyball - Well I bet many of you are wondering why I picked beach volleyball with my first round pick out of the plethora of possible sports to choose from. Quite simply I picked it for the women. If you are the world's best beach volleyball player you are going to be spending plenty of time on a beach with a great body and have thousands of bikini-clad women attempting to get into your pants to find some endorsement money or something like that. Why choose a sport if the sport isn't going to get you any women?

JuicyJuice: Team Handball - There’s a reason that soccer (real football) won’t get drafted for long time: it sucks to play because you can’t use your hands. (Ed. note: Funny, 'cause your motha didn't feel the same way...) In basketball, you can thread the needle with a pinpoint pass through a defender’s legs. And you can do this because you can use your hands to advance the ball. The best you can do in soccer is kick the ball to a general space and put it on some a teammate’s foot. Would I ever choose to complete a task using my feet? No. So, if you improve the rules of soccer and play the game with your hands … you’ve got team handball! It’s everyone’s favorite gym game (dodgeball) but with a strategic purpose, the same as soccer’s: beat the defense and a goalie to rip a g. Sweet.

theShow: Decathlon - Oh you're good at one event...well I can dominate anyone in 10 different events ranging from the long jump to the javelin throw. In other words, I am the best all-around athlete at the Olympics and in turn the entire WORLD. I'll take that. Plus Bruce Jenner, shown at right, parlayed his gold medal from the decathlon into a lucrative career doing absolutely nothing. Too bad his face looks like it is made of rubber now.

blogsquatch: Archer who lights the Olympic Torch - Yeah, all these so-called "sports" are great, but really, why are they great? Would you ever watch team handball or track and field or any of this stuff if it didn't have the title "Olympics" attached? Of course not. These sports are on TV (a lot) and people care about them only because of the setting and the traditions that come with it. Who better to symbolize those traditions than the man who commences the Games by launching a burning arrow into the Olympic Cauldron like a hero of old? I get goosebumps just writing about it...

SoBDD: Mile - According to Standard Rules & Measurements, a mile is 5280 feet, 3074.201 Egyptian cubits, 1760 yards, 1609.334 meters, 880 fathoms, or .000000000000170108 light years. According to those who love track and field, a mile is perfect. For years, the four-minute mile was thought to be the boundary of excellence through which no human could pass without jeopardizing his life. Though the barrier has long since been broken, the mile still holds unparalleled public cache. Running a mile takes an equal mix of aerobic and anaerobic oxidation, an equal mix of speed and endurance, an equal mix of guts and guile. To be the world's finest miler is truly to be the world's finest runner. There is no higher title than that.

(Ed. note: Yes, we know the mile has never been contested at the Olympics, with the 1500 meters standing in its stead. But please, don’t let the Communists win: no metric system.)

SoBDD: Water Polo - Though water polo is most widely played on the West Coast, don't let its popularity with those smoker-surfer hippie laid-back cool dudes fool you: this sport is fucking awesome. Water polo is vicious, as the guys in the show-your-junk-trunks constantly batter each both other above and below the water. Water poloists (Poloers? Why don't we go with 'water polo players'...) are ripped, and they absolutely have to be, as they swim, tread water, and fight surreptitiously for 32 straight minutes. They can also propel themselves high out of the water, using only their abs and legs, in order to shoot or make a save. It's rugby in the water, plus you get to look like The Man shooting, just like in team handball. Of, if only I could swim...

blogsquatch: Badminton - Think about your family reunions. Okay, so at my family reunion we mostly hit pinatas, drink Coronas, and eat tacos, but I bet I know what happens at yours. Grandma smells funny and pinches your cheek, your aunts talk about how much you've grown, creepy Uncle Chris has too much to drink and starts saying inappropriate things to your 12-year-old cousin... And, eventually, someone pulls out a backyard badminton set. If you're no good at it, badminton is about the lamest thing there is, but if you're sick--wowzer. It offers the chance for high-flying hard-hitting action, as you fire your cock at your family members hit the shuttle back and forth. Aunt Rosie made you eat her uber-shitty pineapple upside down cake? WHAM! Grandpa got you a Blue's Clues video for Christmas, even though you're 15 years old? SLAM! Your tease of a cousin won't kiss you, even a peck on the cheek for crying out loud? BLAM! It would be awesome to show your family how you really feel by kicking their collective asses as badminton.

theShow: Trampoline - This is a new event, not sure of the actual name of the event, but you might as well just call it: Little People Bouncing Up and Down. I just think it would be cool to go that high and flip and spin like crazy. Who didn't love trampolines as a kid, hell I still love them, why wouldn't you want to do it competitively?

JuicyJuice: Table Tennis - I get my ass kicked regularly by all of my friends at ping pong. Actually, at all racquet sports for that matter. So if I could pick one racquet sport to take revenge upon them, it would no doubt be the most serious of them all: table tennis. Olympic table tennis requires agility, power, quickness, and the ability to do all of those things with a deft hand (because you’re smacking around a tiny plastic ball). I don’t know if you have witnessed anything but casual ping-pong, but table tennis is not a game for the weak-minded. To return the blistering serves these athletes are forced back yards away from the edge of the table, and then volley from that distance. Putting spin (“english,” or as my friends say, “jizz”) on a ball is one of the coolest things in sports. Pitching a baseball or a golf ball is cool, but not as sweet as chopping a ping pong ball or ripping a vicious backhand.

Torshin: Shooting - Screw China. That's the reason I picked rifles with my second pick. For years China has been pouring ridiculous amounts of funding into less well known sports such as all the riflery events and other things like table tennis, diving, and many others in order to increase their medal count. Basically I'm taking one for the team in order to rob those communists of a few medals. Also it would be pretty cool to be amazing at shooting things 'cause you could make serious bank doing parlor tricks like shooting quarters and stuff.

Doctor Dozer: Archery - I'm not a fan of guns. Not at all really. It's the only point in the Constitution that I completely disagree with (maybe the 19th Amendment as well...). I mean, imagine how much safer you'd feel if guns didn't saturate this country. But bows and arrows? Totally OK. I mean, think of all the awesomeness that went down in the times of Robin Hood. Think of how cool it must be to tag a deer or some other furred beast with an arrow so that you can eat it and put its head on your wall. Think of that scene in Hero at the end where he is just demolished by a wall of arrows or the scene in 300 where the same thing happens but the Spartans are too cool for it. Archery is totally sweet because it is simple, traditional, and bad ass. If I could be awesome at it, I would steal from the rich, feed my family, and try to kill heroic figures.

Doctor Dozer: Sailing - So many of our friends are of substantial amounts of old wealth and, as such, are sailing enthusiasts. My motivation for selecting such a preppy, nauseating sport is this: I would love to be better at their elitist pasttime than they are. Imagine me racing against a certain Gary Hotchkiss in a regatta, swinging the jib boom all over the place as I expertly maneuver my vessel past his, maybe even in circles around his, as I deftly beat him to the finish line. I would love to see him in his white pants, boat shoes, and pastel shirt standing dumbstruck on the dock, stunned at the defeat. It would be almost as good as slaying theShow's mother and having him find out about it. One can always dream... (I <3 Anne Marie)

Torshin: Soccer - Yes I picked soccer. Or futbol or football or whatever the hell you want to call it. If I'm going to be the best at something hell I might as well be the best at the most popular sport. I don't care if you are the fastest 10km runner in the world most people aren't going to know your name. I don't care if you can swim faster than most fish because people are going to forget you pretty quickly. But if I'm one of the world's top soccer players, not only am I going to be rich but I'm going to be famous.

JuicyJuice: Modern Pentathlon - Often called the "sport that most accurately conveys the ideals of Olympism." Only true renaissance athletes are fit to compete in this event. You may have run track in high school, maybe you run marathons now. But after running 3 km, can you complete a show jumping course on horseback? Slay a fencing opponent? Win a 200 meter freestyle swimming race? And then out-shoot enemies in a pistol shooting competition? Didn’t think so. Surprisingly this ridiculous event has been an Olympic sport since 1912. Modern pentathlon medalists would have been elite soldiers during the American Revolution/ Civil War: can travel quickly by foot, water, or horseback and master of the sword and gun.

Ed. note: So the "sport that most accurately conveys the ideals of Olympism"--you know, achieving a spirit of better understanding between men and nations, as well as competition for the sake of pushing oneself towards excellence--is...one designed to train and test army officers?

theShow: High Dive - I enjoy swimming pools, but high dives scare the piss out of me. I think it is so impressive what those guys/girls do from the time they leave the platform to the time their svelt bodies splash into the water. Please refrain from any Greg Lougayness jokes please. Thank you.

blogsqatch: Rhythmic Gymnastics - Did you ever play that game with Chinese fortune cookies (no, not that game, Dozer) where you added "in bed" to the fortune. You know: "You will have great success"... In bed! "Be adventurous and good things will happen to you"... In bed! "The time is right to make new friends"... In bed! See, never gets old. What does that game have to do with rhythmic gymnastics? Not much, really, except I'd really like to be "in bed" with some of these rhymthic gymnasts. Just think: all the grace, flexibility, need for affirmation, and general sexiness of regular gymnasts (Ed. note: And the unnaturally delayed menstruation!), but skilled with sex toys hoops, balls, and ribbons. Woo Hoo!

SoBDD: Field Hockey - I love field hockey for its unique strategy--being only able to play with the right side of the stick really changes the game (imagine if you were only allowed to dribble a basketball with your right hand)--for its exciting penalty corners, for the speed and grace with which the players move, for its status as the only sport that India would ever have a hope of winning a medal in, and for the challenge of the drag flick, which some have described as the most difficult thing to do in sports. Eh, who am I kidding? I just want to wear a skirt.

What about you? Yes, we picked a lot of great events, but there are a bunch we missed. Put your own in the comments.

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Weekly Draft 1: Unsung Superheroes

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Welcome to a new segment we're starting this week. As fantasy and sports nerds past, present, and future, we love all things that are drafts and drafting. But we really don't have enough opportunities to enjoy this interest of ours. Apart from our one or two fantasy drafts a year and a hand full of sports drafts that are worth while, for a long time we didn't know where to turn to feed our drafting urges. Well, now we do. In this new segment, we'll be drafting all kinds of different topics. Our goals are simple: to find an outlet for this need we have and to do it in hilarious fashion.

This week: Superheroes we'd most like to see made into a modern movie.
Drafters in order: SoBDD, Doctor Dozer, theShow, blogsquatch

1.1 - SoBDD - Captain America

His recent tragic death aside, there is no superhero I’d like to see get his own vehicle more than blurryfoot Captain America. Though Superman claims to stand for “Truth, Justice, and the American Way,” there is no costumed crimefighter more American than Captain America. Born weak and sickly, Steve Rogers became strong and good-looking through that distinctly American practice of pulling himself up by his bootstraps utilizing the wonders of science to cure his ills. His liberal "the government should solve all my problems" attitude patriotism is such that he handed himself over to the military to be experimented on. Now, he sticks his nose in other people's business serves America and humanity as a “super-soldier”, clad in red, white, and blue. (No flag pin questions with this guy!) Though there was a 1990 direct-to-video Captain America film, it is high time for another version starring, of course, Stephen Colbert.

1.2 - Doctor Dozer - The Ambiguously Gay Duo of Ace and Gary
If it isn't clear to you already, I like gay jokes. They are quite hilarious, and I'm not ashamed to say it. That being said, superheroes, as blogsquatch's recent superhero fashion guide post showed us, are straddling the line between normality and gayness. One more inch, and they'd be over. Well thankfully, Ace and Gary take us that inch and deliver us unto the promised land of unchecked jokes about the gay. In addition, SNL has a history of solid skits transitioning well into movies. From The Blues Brothers and Wayne's World to Superstar and Ladies' Man, they've done pretty well thus far. And let's be real, the recent slew of superheroes movies are in need of some serious mockery. Last but certainly not least, the voice actors for Ace and Gary are Stephen Colbert and Steve Carell, respectively. A movie with these two as the leads, whether it is animated or real life, would be damned funny. MAKE THIS MOVIE! (Ed. note: So we like Colbert, okay?)

1.3 - theShow - Hawkeye
I've always had a soft spot in my heart for Hawkeye. He is one of those forgotten superheroes and therefore well under-represented in the tv/movie realm. As a kid I loved action figures and the day I found Hawkeye is a day that I will always remember. Seeing that dark purple suit with his bow and arrow and quiver, complete with actual individual arrows. Very cool. Anyway, he is legit and can pull off the purple very nicely. Another attribute that makes him cool is the fact that he does not really have any superhuman abilities. He is just an excellent athlete (much like myself) with tremendous bow and arrow abilities. Hell he is even an accomplished acrobat and aerialist. Take that Captain America. I think it's time for the lesser superheroes to start popping up and Hawkeye should be the first. I mean they made "Daredevil" for God sakes. Can't they make this then. Let's make it happen and get a bad-ass actor like Eric Bana or Daniel Craig to portray him.

1.4 - blogsquatch - The Shadow
Yes, the Shadow was made into a movie in 1994 starring Alec Baldwin and yes this is supposed to be about unsung heroes that haven't been cinematized just yet, but this guy is awesome and I can just picture such an amazing movie from him (which they're already in the process of making...). He's a telepathic guy that is basically invisible when he wants to be, is a great marksman, and a gifted student of the martial arts (mixed or otherwise). He was evil for the longest time, but was brought to the "light side" by a bunch of Tibetan monks he came across. Anyway, this is an evil man! No wishy-washy emo Spiderman stuff in this movie. It would be more along the lines of Batman Begins (now that I think about it, almost exactly like it), but way darker. Well, whether I'm wrong or right, one thing is for sure: this movie is already in production, and I think it's going to be sick.

2.1 - blogsquatch - Aquaman
Some people say I look like Vince Chase (played by Adrian Grenier) of Entourage. Well you know what? I sort of do. I also really enjoy the work of James Cameron who directs the Aquaman film starring Vince in the show. I would definitely also blow off another director if I were to have already committed to him to be his star if James Cameron offered me the lead in Aquaman. What I'm trying to say is that Vince and I are very similar. But I'm better because I lax and I blog. Suck it, Vince.

2.2 - theShow - Wonder Woman
Yes that is right I picked a female superhero. I think it is time for a blockbuster movie about a hot, scantily clad chick kicking some bad guy ass. The Wonder Woman outfit is very easy on the eyes, as long as you fill it with someone worthy of exposing that much skin. I like to think Jessica Alba would have no problem doing that (I didn't like her as a superhero in "Fantastic 4"', but this role might work better than that one). Or maybe even Angelina Jolie, but she might not be PG-13 enough for this role. Get any hot actress (preferably one with some acting ability) and stuff her in those tights and low-cut top and we have ourselves and excellent flick right there! (Ed. note: Because that formula worked so well for "Catwoman"...)

2.3 - Doctor Dozer - Megaman
I want to see a Megaman movie for mostly one reason: Megaman was a nickname of mine in high school. Yes, an upperclassman on my football team called me Megaman. Was it because I had Mega ability? Was it because my quarterbacking arm was interchangeable as well as devastating? Was it because I had a flying robotic dog? No. It was because I had a big head and because it looked bigger in the Peyton Manning-esque helmet I wore as a junior. That was the reason. But I was dominant and my arm was more devastating than a large cannon blast from Megaman's power arm after holding down the B button for over thirty seconds. I know, right? And the thing is that I really was that good. Really.

2.4 - SoBDD - A Villain
Just as Christopher Nolan's "Batman" and Sam Raimi's "Spider-Man" have reimagined their heroes with an eye towards the psychological demons superheroes must face, it would be fascinating to take a look at this whole good-evil thing from the other side. Sure, we all know Batman fights crime because of his daddy issues, and Spider-Man is a big ninny who feels bad if one person in a city of 12 million ever experiences discomfort (sounds like a pinko Democrat!) (Ed. note: or, you know, like Christ.) but why does any particular Supervillian behave in such a strange Supervilliany manner? Like, every villain (hell, everybody) wants to get rich and powerful, but what's with all the Supervilliany Z strange behaviors? I'm not talking about an anti-hero (think V from V For Vendetta or the Punisher); these figures work for the greater benefit, and their psyches have been well-explored. I want to plumb the depths of a man(Ed. note: He wants to plumb the depths of a man? Ultra-gay.)'s mind who has great abilities, yet purposely and knowingly works against the good of humanity. Perhaps a movie told from the villain's perspective can explain our questions away.

3.1 - SoBDD - Tom Brady
Hold your fire, Doctor Dozer. (Yes, I know that's difficult what with Brady's studliness and your, um, condition, but you'll have to do the best you can.) My third and final superhero selection is indeed Tom Brady, quarterback for the New England Patriots. Tom Brady is, without a doubt, the finest quarterback in the NFL. His good looks and charm leave nothing to be desired, and his girlfriend, Gisele Bundchen, is possibly the most beautiful woman on the planet, in addition to being extremely wealthy. Every man in this country wants to be him. Every woman in this country wants to do him--and hell, so of the men do, too. There is nothing Tom Brady could ever want for. Now tell me: if that's not being a superhero, what is?

3.2 - Doctor Dozer - Captain Planet
Everyone knows Al Gore is possibly the biggest whacko out there preaching fire and brimstone to the people of the world right now. Yes, we have to take care of our planet or it will blow up or something awful or blah blah blah ploygamy, terrorism, Iran. I've heard it all before, folks, when I was much younger and my head was just as large (literally) as it as now. That's right: CAPTAIN PLANET! Now he was a hero. He would take polluters down to zero. And above all else, one of the elements of the Earth that was called upon in order to call Captain Planet was Heart. You remember, I know. That kid that looked like he was from the Jungle Book. Well I can tell you this about Captain Planet: Rudyard Kipling hated people from India. And Captain Planet had blue skin and green hair. Beat that, characters from Doug! Oh wait. Crap, they do, too. Ummmmm....I guess my last point is that Al Gore sucks. Yeah, that'll do it.

3.3 - theShow - Gambit
I'm going to make this short and sweet. I sat through three X-Men movies and every time I was pissed to see that my favorite comic mutant was left out. Gambit spoke with a cool accent (Cajun) used a bo staff to beat down his enemies, and threw flaming playing cards. That's all that needs to be said. He is so damn cool. I just read that he will be portrayed in the new Wolverine movie by some dude from the Friday Night Lights tv show. That is weak having some no-name kid play Gambit. Give him his own movie and have the Govenator Arnold Schwarzenegger play him. I mean an Austrian accent and a Cajun accent are basically the same anyway.

3.4 – blogsquatch - The Green Lantern
I am a Mexican. Well, I guess Spanish-Mexican, but who's counting? As a Mexican (more or less), I love all that is our culture: tequila, coronas, Aztec warriors, tamales... you get the picture. As such, I did a little digging for a Mexican superhero and I present to you... no one. None worth writing about at the very least. So, instead, I choose another minority: John Stewart, the black Green Lantern. Now, there are more than one Green Lantern because his powers, power over the Earth around him, comes from a ring he wears that is given to him by the Guardians of the Universe. Only those that possess the willpower and inner strength the wield the rings are granted them. So clearly I would have a ring. Anyway, they're all green and they kill shit. And besides Hancock, how many minority superheroes have we had? We're well overdue. GREEEEEEN!

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